


Lean on Me

by SomnificSheep



Series: BTHB Fills [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Tragedy, Child Death, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, Shooting, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:02:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24092530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomnificSheep/pseuds/SomnificSheep
Summary: Funerals are for old and broken things, for faded embers of life and the silence of that which exists no more. They are a time for tears, for trials, for the tired to rest their weary bones as they lean on each other in their grief. They are hard, and they are not meant for the sea of young faces that sits in front of Iruka today.They are not for the young.They’re not for his son.
Series: BTHB Fills [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1433761
Comments: 4
Kudos: 19





	Lean on Me

**Author's Note:**

> Pleeeeease, please, please don't read if this will make you upset. This story is deeply personal to me, and here's a bit of context: 
> 
> I grew up in a town where guns were prevalent and often used to scare off predators from farm animals. We lost a student to a gunshot one year after he'd heard a noise outside and taken a look. We're still not sure if it was a suicide or not (we also lost two of his close friends in a car accident not a month earlier, so it's suspect either way). 
> 
> Someone prompted me with "take me instead" for bad things happen bingo and this is immediately what sprung to mind. It's a little rambly and defs not my best work, but I got the feelings.

Funerals are for old and broken things, for faded embers of life and the silence of that which exists no more. They are a time for tears, for trials, for the tired to rest their weary bones as they lean on each other in their grief. They are hard, and they are not meant for the sea of young faces that sits in front of Iruka today. 

They are not for the young.

They’re not for his son.

He doubts he’ll ever be able to get the sight out of his head, or the sight of face after teary face afterward as students came up to him and offered comfort. None of them can erase bloodstained soil staring back at him past a shock of yellow hair matted crimson, and they don’t understand the weight of having to dial three simple numbers when all sense has abandoned you.

The police said it was suicide.

They’re fucking liars.

Naruto would never.

Iruka takes a deep, tremulous breath as their pastor begins to speak. The words pour like sand through his ears, eroding away what little coherency he’s managed to gather through these few days of planning and police and policies. 

_Naruto was a light in our lives,_ Raidou says. _He was a kind, caring young man, and we commend his spirit to our Holy Father._

He wants to tell Raidou to stop, that none of this is necessary, because it _has_ to be some twisted joke. Iruka’s not Job--he’s not perfect, not in the slightest, and therefore God has no reason to play wicked tricks on him like this. There’s no reason for sleepless nights waiting for his son to come home, there’s no reason for this farce, no reason, _no reason--_

He doesn’t know how long people have been staring at him, has no idea how long he’s been muttering to himself. It can’t have been long. His chest is empty, all air sucked out of the room to the sight of Sasuke sprinting out the back doors with a hand across his eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers, eyes going wide. “Please, continue, I won’t interrupt, I promise.”

“Would you like to say a few words?” Raidou asks softly.

_No_ sticks in his throat just as much as _yes,_ and by the time Iruka’s standing at the podium, all he can muster is a barely-there squeak past the lump in his throat. “We--I, uh...”

The eyes staring up at him all swim along with his. It is perhaps the most difficult part of all this, even harder than seeing the food in his fridge he can’t bring himself to eat or the lack of sleep that turns his eyelids to sandpaper.

He spends all day lecturing them on language, but can’t manage any of his own.

“I’m sorry,” he says again, barely audible over the rush in his head. He takes one step back, then another, and another, until he stumbles forward to race after Sasuke. The sky doesn’t even have the decency to be sheeting down rain as he nearly trips over an exposed root in his haste--it’s clear, no clouds in the sky as the sun beats down on sunflowers just as yellow as Naruto’s hair.

Sasuke doesn’t acknowledge him as he sinks to the dirt, head bowed and shoulders shaking with sobs that are silent until Iruka kneels next to him. _“Why,”_ he keens. “I don’t like it, why did he--why would he--”

Iruka has no answers, so he does not speak. He holds his arms out for the grieving senior in the only form of comfort he’s capable of giving right now, and Sasuke’s weight against his side feels like the world crushing down on him. 

“I loved him,” Sasuke cries, an ugly, painful sound as it rips from his chest. “I loved him, and he left me, like--just like-- _fuck.”_

He doesn’t need to say the names for Iruka to hear it--just like the rest of his family, killed when he was young.

Sasuke knows what it is to be alone, even with Kakashi as his caretaker.

It has been a long time since Iruka prayed and truly meant it, but today, he allows fury and despair rise to the heavens on the slight breeze. He doesn’t care that God is supposed to bring peace, be a balm to his tattered soul. Iruka is _angry,_ sinfully so, and the god that took his son is going to hear about it. 

His lips catch on Sasuke’s hair, tears staining his cheeks as he utters a curse against Him. One mumbled _fuck you_ slips out like nothing, and then another, and another until he’s clinging to Sasuke just as hard as Sasuke clings to him. God’s presence is impossible to feel over the deep, gut-wrenching horror that continues to mount near the base of his spine as he does his best not to think about Naruto’s empty bed back home.

Eventually, as the venomous obscenities come to a pause, his grip softens. Sasuke’s cries quiet along with his until they’re silent and fuck knows how much time has passed.

_It should’ve been me,_ Iruka thinks. _Why him? Why_ him?

The silent blue sky mocks him when he turns his eyes heavenward.

It hurts.

_Give him back,_ he pleads, all poison bled out of him. _Take me instead, I don’t care, I just--we need him._ Everyone _needs him._

Knuckles brushing the dirt, he sits back on his heels and lets his face crumple. “Take me,” he whimpers. “Take me, please.”

“Iruka,” he hears distantly. “Hey.”

He shrugs off a hand, shuts his eyes and looks away from the glint of the sun off of silver hair as Kakashi bends down.

“We’re waiting,” Kakashi says, words soft as they beat at the fog clouding Iruka’s head. “Do you think you can get up?”

“No,” Iruka says. 

Kakashi kneels along with them, one hand on Sasuke’s shoulder and the other gripping Iruka’s forearm. “I know it’s hard, but try?” he asks. “There’s things we need to do.”

“None of them matter.”

“Iruka…”

“He said it doesn’t matter,” Sasuke snaps. “Why don’t you just fuck off and leave us be, huh? You don’t know what it’s like, having your...friend...die.”

“Don’t I?” Kakashi asks softly.

“Sasuke,” Iruka says, bringing a hand up to wipe at his eyes. His body is heavy, soul weak and aching as he slumps over to rest his head against Kakashi’s upper arm. He pinches the bridge of his nose to stave off the tears he can feel rising once again. “I can’t,” he whispers to Kakashi. “Not yet. I need--”

_I need him back,_ he aches to say, but those words stick to the back of his tongue like ash when he finally meets Kakashi’s eyes.

“Just another minute,” he says. “I’m sorry.”

“A minute.” Kakashi squeezes his arm before helping Sasuke to his feet, and Iruka lets out a tremulous breath as he’s let go. “I’ll come back for you, okay? I know it hurts, but you have us here, right? Lean on us. Lean on me, if the community is too much. Please, we can’t…” He hisses out a sigh. “We can’t lose you, too. I promise, I’m here. You’re not alone.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments always read and _very_ much appreciated, and I always do my best to get back to them ❤️
> 
> You can also find me lurking and yelling about fictional characters on:  
> [Twitter](https://www.twitter.com/aryagraceling)  
> [Discord](https://discord.gg/cM8FaND)  
> [Tumblr](https://somnificsheep.tumblr.com)  
> [Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/groups/601270063618951)


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